(Appeared in Image magazine, June 2008)
Loving yourself is the key to a healthy relationship. But what happens if your man loves himself and no one else (including you)? JESSICA DUFF investigates narcissism.
We've all been there: boyfriends who wouldn't (or couldn't) commit; dates who spent the entire evening talking about themselves; men who flitted in and out of our lives, not caring about what we might need or want. "He's such a narcissist!" we declare, to explain the shoddy treatment doled out to us by yet another "selfish bastard". Ah, the narcissist. How many times have we heard that words used to describe a man who was self-absorbed, self-centered and self-interested?
Nowadays, it's such a ubiquitous term that we forget its true meaning: that what it is actually describing is, at best, very negative and, at worse, a dangerous personality disorder which can damage all those who come into contact with it. So what exactly is narcissism?
Most of us are familiar with the Greek myth of the beautiful teenager Narcisus, who fell in love with his reflection in a pool, and couldn't understand why he wasn't able to touch the object of his affections; unable to tear himself away from the pool he pined to death. And so from this (slightly distorted) interpretation of the ancient myth, comes the term we use to portray someone - usually male - who is egotistical, who "fancies himself rotten" and who puts his own love of himself before anything else. But real narcissism - the psychological phenomenon - is far more complex and dangerous than just having a big ego or thinking you're the bee's knees.
According to health journalist Simon Crompton, author of All About Me: Loving a Narcissist, narcissistic traits include a lack of empathy for others, a heightened sense of self-importance, haughty or arrogant behaviour, and an expectation of admiration. Narcissists tend to be unable to accept that they're ever at fault, and will often greatly exaggerate their own achievements, even lie about past deeds. They are generally unable to give love and show anger when they don't get their own way. For narcissists, it really is all about them; there's little room for compromise, and never any give and take.
Catherine Keers is a Dublin-based counsellor and psychotherapist. She explains the dangers of a relationship with a narcissist: "Narcissus was not in love with himself - he was in love with his reflection. Thus, for a narcissist, his sense of self and self love only come from what is reflected back to him from the world. He therefore needs endless amounts of love, admiration and attention. This, of course, is going to cause major problems in a relationship because in a monogamous relationship there is a limited supply of attention and love; for narcissists, this is just not enough. Such is their need and craving for love and admiration - even adulation - that in fact nothing will ever be enough; the need is a bottomless pit that can never be filled."
So back to the selfish man who has you crying into your glass of chardonnay (again). How can you tell if he's just being inconsiderate and in need of some gentle guidance (or a firm ultimatum) or if you've landed yourself a full-blown narcissist? You can't - certainly not to begin with. That's because we're all narcissists to some extent. However, according to Simon Crompton, "most of us appreciate that to exist as functioning adults in society we have to compromise and be sensitive to others, and so manage to downplay those traits".
In some of us, though, narcissistic traits are so dominant that they are all emcompassing. Having a relationship with such a person can leave you with no self-esteem and no sense of perspective. As Crompton puts it, "having a relationship with a narcissist is a roller-coaster where the lows can drag all sense of self-worth out of the partner."
This is a statement which 36-year old Bridget* can identify with. She met Justin* in her first year at college, and the pair were a couple for almost ten years. "Right from the start, I knew that people were wondering what I was doing with him - I was outgoing, had lots of friends, and loved the freedom and social life of college; he was a bit of a loner, incredibly arrogant, and seemed to enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. But I fell completely and utterly in love with him, and what everybody else thought meant nothing - as far as I was concerned, they just didn't know the real him. I loved the fact that he kept me on my toes - no other guy had ever done that with the result that I'd get bored with them easily." Justin and Bridget spent their time in college completely in each other's pockets. "As far as I was concerned, we were two parts of a whole. It didn't bother me that I was more or less the only person he ever saw or spent time with - that was just further proof that we were soul mates. "
But there was a darker side to Justin that Bridget had to manage. "He used to dwell a lot on the fact that he was manic depressive, and that sometimes he'd feel like he wanted to end everything. It's only recently that I've realised that these episodes would come about whenever I was due to do something major without him. The first year we started going out, I had already arranged to spend the summer working in the States with friends. The night before I left, he told me that he couldn't face the months without me, and wasn't sure if he'd ‘make it’, as he put it. I went anyway, and he wrote letters to me every single day. Finally, his letters were getting more and more morose, all about how he couldn't face the bleak months ahead without me. I became so convinced that I was doing the wrong thing that halfway through the summer, I cut short my plans and came home. Less than a week after I got back, he went off inter-railing with his cousin for a month, leaving me banging around Dublin on my own, while all my friends were still away, having a great time."
After college, Bridget and Justin moved in together, eventually buying a flat jointly. "Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I honestly believed we had the perfect relationship. I ignored the obvious problems - for instance, he was always horrible about all my friends, and never made any effort to hide his feelings from them. Our sex-life was non-existent; anytime I tried to instigate something, he would reject me completely. At the same time, he was always going on about all the women he'd had before he met me, and how he had ‘unfinished business’ with some of them. I later found out - from one of his 'exes' in fact - that none of this was true.
"Throughout our relationship, I felt inexperienced and constantly judged, which made me want to please him more. I realised with horror a couple of years ago that in the entire time we were together, he had given me one genuine compliment. Usually any remarks about my appearance would be backhanded, along the lines of ‘those boots don’t make your legs look so fat’. At the time, I was delighted that our relationship was so honest and that he could tell me my faults.” Interestingly, it was Justin, not Bridget, who ended the relationship, claiming that he needed some space to work out what he wanted (which transpired to be another woman – who he, in turn, left a month later). “I often wonder where I’d be now if he hadn’t broken us up. It horrifies me that I could still be with him, “Bridget says.
To those of us on the outside, it’s almost impossible to understand how an otherwise intelligent person would allow herself to get drawn into such an unhealthy relationship, and then stay in it for so long. For all their faults, however, narcissists are quite often charming, and know how to flatter. Julia Sokol is a relationship counsellor, and co-author of Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist. “Narcissists tend to tell you that they’re wonderful and terrific and adorable,” she explains. “They tend to know how to sweep people off their feet. They are incredibly seductive. They know what you like to hear.” But surely once the initial allure has worn off, any one with half an ounce of common sense will see the light and run? This isn’t necessarily so. According to Sokol, “the classic narcissistic character has this ‘look-at-me’ quality, but also this ‘oh, poor me, I really need help’. They draw you in with the sadness and the emptiness, and you feel that somehow you can fill the void.” He works to reel you in, assure himself of your commitment (i.e., your attention and adulation) and then shuts down or moves on to the next conquest. As Catherine Keers puts it: “The narcissist uses others to feel that he exists; it’s through their eyes and through their reactions that he obtains proof of his uniqueness and grandeur.”
Maria* had the misfortune to be swept up by Killian*, a successful entrepreneur with his own IT business. “I guess I was feeling vulnerable; I had been seeing someone for a while who had suddenly broken up with me for no apparent reason. So when this handsome, accomplished man threw himself at me, I was happy to be swept away by it all.” Like many narcissists, Killian used grand gestures to woo. “For our third date he whisked me off to a beautiful hotel just outside Paris for the weekend. When we got there, there was champagne chilling by a roaring fire, and rose petals on the four-poster bed. It was cheesy, but every girl’s romantic fantasy.”
Maria and Killian had known each other for less than two weeks. “Over the weekend we had these incredibly intense conversations, where I opened up to him about my recently broken heart; he, in turn, cried and told me how hurt he had been by women in the past. By the end of the weekend, he told me that he was falling in love with me, and even though he knew that he was rushing things, he couldn’t help himself. He said he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me. If he’d asked me to, I would have stayed there with him forever. “As it was, Maria floated back to real life on Monday … and never heard from Killian again.
“In my head, I know I’ve had a lucky escape. But even though we hardly spent any time together, it’s taking me a long time to get over him. I think I will always feel stupid for having fallen for his lies, “she says. According to Simon Crompton, people like Maria shouldn’t blame themselves. “It’s partly the nature of romance that we are drawn to people whose vulnerabilities dovetail with our own. We are attracted to people who need us as well as want us. And narcissists are some of the neediest people around.”
So what can you do if this is sounding horribly familiar? Can such a relationship ever become more balanced and normal? There are numerous websites created by, and for, the partners and victims of narcissists and most advocate tough self love and advise running for the hills. Simon Crompton agrees, saying it’s virtually impossible to have a mature, meaningful relationship with someone with dominant narcissistic traits and tendencies.
However, there is hope if you’re in a relationship with a man with mild narcissistic traits. Simon Crompton advocates communication and openness as the main step in confronting and dealing with the problem. “If you really want to try to move things forward, to try to improve things between you, you’re going to have to confront your partner with their behaviour.”
It’s also worth thinking about turning to a professional for help. Couples counselling can be a good place to start – assuming, of course, that your partner agrees to partake. Beyond counselling, one-on-one therapy can benefit both you and your partner. According to Catherine Keers, the partner of a narcissist “will often have their own issues around self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness of love and loyalty and of a healthy, loving relationship”, through which it is important to work. For these partners, she states that it is also very important that they “acknowledge that they have been dreadfully hurt and that they deserve more than this. They also need to acknowledge that their trust has been severely abused. They need to allow themselves to grieve the loss and to nurture themselves through this process and get as much support as possible in order to be able to move on and find someone worthy of their love.“ For the narcissist, meanwhile, “the alliance with the therapist can also help [him] to relate better to others and learn to form meaningful bonds.”
So the next time a man tells you that it’s over, but assures you that it’s not you it’s him – take some comfort from the fact that maybe, unbeknown to himself, he’s actually being completely honest with you for the first time…
*Name has been changed.
Who to turn to
CATHERINE KEERS, counsellor and psychotherapist, MIACP, MIAHP, 01 284 3297; http://www.catherinekeers.com/ ALL ABOUT ME: LOVING A NARCISSIST by Simon Crompton (Collins, €11.40) HELP! I’M IN LOVE WITH A NARCISSIST by Julia Sokol and Steven Carter (Evans and Co. €21.55) FOR ONLINE HELP log onto http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/index.php; http://www.narcissistabuse.com/; http://www.healthyplace.com/
