I'm bored of being stuck at home all day with my baby

Linda Higgens' "Life Lesssions" column, Evening Herald, 19 February 2008

Dilemma

“I am a stay-at-home mother to a darling eight-month old son. My husband and I always agreed that I’d give up work for a few years in order to raise our children.

Before I fell pregnant, I worked as an administrator in an office. The pay wasn’t brilliant, but I enjoyed the work and got on very well with my colleagues.

I’m enjoying motherhood, but I find that I get very lonely during the weekdays. I have no family living nearby. I get on fine with my husband’s mother and sister, but only see them once a week. I’ve one other friend living locally, and she works full-time, so isn’t around to meet during the week.
My husband works hard and he’s out of the house for 12 hours a day from Monday to Friday. He’s so tired when he does come home that he’s often in bed by 9pm.

I tried joining a mothers and toddlers group, but it felt like they all knew each other already. I didn’t feel very welcome. I miss the social side of working. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Some days can be very mundane, especially if the weather is bad and we don’t venture out.

How can I go about broadening my social horizons? I feel like my days are passing in a blur of housework and baby. I haven’t talked about this with my husband yet – I feel bad for feeling unfulfilled when he’s working so hard to support the family.”

Expert
Catherine Keers (MIACP, MIAHIP) offers counselling adn psychotherapy services at her Dun Laoghaire clinic. Contact Catherine on 01 284 3297 or www.catherinekeers.com.

Not confiding in your husband about your feelings may also add to this sense of loneliness and isolation. I realise you made the decision to give up work to raise your children with your husband some time ago but it sounds like you are now struggling with it. As your son is only 8 months old, it’s important that you address your unhappiness, talk to your husband and work together with him to reassess the situation rather than allow yourself to sink further into the rut you feel you are already in.

The word that comes to mind is ‘balance’. You have gone from having a job and a social life to what seems like almost complete isolation during the week while your husband works long hours. You seem to have lost the balance you need in your day-to-day life. Start thinking about what support you need and ask for it. As long as you are unable to find a way to feel satisfied and good about yourself and look after your own emotional needs and wellbeing, it will be hard for you to have the resources to do this for your son. Not just in the short term but also in the long-term. You need to think about what the long term effect of your unhappiness will have on you and your family especially if this is something you plan to continue doing for the next few years. Will you become increasingly resentful of the situation? Will you feel increasingly trapped? Will you start to feel guilty about these feelings? How will this affect your mental and emotional wellbeing and that of you son and husband in the future? The happier you feel about yourself, the more you will all benefit as a family.

Perhaps being at home fulltime isn’t right for you? This is ok. If it isn’t right for you and makes you unhappy, then it isn’t right for your family either. Give yourself permission to also make yourself happy and to find the balance you need between caring for your son and feeling fulfilled yourself. You do have choices, take time to explore your options, don’t be afraid to ask for support. Perhaps it would be better for you to work part-time or even one day a week, or maybe it would be possible to get your husband, family or friend to give you a night to yourself each week to pursue something on your own.

Finally and also importantly, you haven’t gone into depth about how you are feeling deep down or mentioned if you have been feeling depressed. You mention you have tried going to a mother and toddler group but felt unwelcome. I wonder how deeply the feelings of isolation and perhaps alienation are running? I feel I should also raise the issue of post-natal depression. This usually develops in the first 4-6 weeks after childbirth. However, in some cases it may take several months to develop. Your GP will be able to determine whether you have the condition and, if you do, suggest an appropriate course of treatment. This may not be relevant to you but if you feel there is a possibility that it is, please do go and see your GP and talk to them about your feelings in depth.

This website may be helpful, it contains information for new mothers and also has a forum where you can connect with other mothers and discuss, problems, fears and anxieties and offer advice and support to each other; http://www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/youafterthebirth/pnd