How to keep those New Year's resolutions

This article appeared in the Irish Independent, 30 December 2004

How to keep those New Year's resolutions

You've finally decided to make some big changes in your life . . . but, says Kevin Murphy, don't be too hard on yourself

It's traditionally the time of year when we think about making personal changes. And our New Year's resolution is more than likely going to be one of the following: I will lose weight; get fit; change job; learn a language; give up smoking; spend less.

But the odds are that a month from now most of us will have given up on our promise completely. Does this sound familiar? The intention is there to make changes but for some unknown reason, or reasons, it just never happens and by the end of January we've admitted defeat.

Have you ever wondered what those reasons are? After all, we are normal, rational people. We set ourselves a goal and expect to achieve it. Yet, before you can say 'make that a large fries, please' we've somehow lost the plot, forgotten the plan, torn up the map and slid back into our old ways. It was as if we'd never made a resolution in the first place.

Catherine Keers is a psychotherapist and counsellor who runs a private clinic specialising in self-esteem and personal development. When it comes to the question of why so many of us fail in our new resolutions, she has three possible reasons: fear of change, too high expectations and weak motivation. Keers says that since New Year's resolutions entail change they can be difficult and frightening because it means changing the status quo and even losing something familiar.
"It is important to acknowledge this fear so that it doesn't cloud the possible advantages of the change and block us from making progress and personal improvement. For example, deciding to stop smoking would have obvious health benefits but, less obviously, it would mean the loss of a ritual, enjoyment or method of coping with stress."

Setting our expectations too high is another reason. It may be that the resolution or goal is overly ambitious. Keers warns against this and suggests lowering the bar if needs be. And she also suggests looking at our motivation. Ask yourself, why now? Why have I set this particular goal at this particular time? Is it pressure from society at New Year or has it meaning for me? Am I doing it for my own benefit or for someone else?

As a way of dealing with these pitfalls Catherine Keers suggests planning ahead to make sure the timing is right, that you are ready to make a change and that you have all the support you need. She also suggests looking at your resolution as part of a process of ongoing longer-term self-improvement. A New Year's resolution can realistically only ever be a starting point.
Also be careful, she says, of the negative cycle of setting yourself lists of 'shoulds' that will end up making you feel deprived and unhappy. Instead ask yourself, what makes me feel happy and fulfilled, am I living the life I want, what would enrich me and feel rewarding?

"Then ask yourself, what initial steps can I take to start on the road? Avoid focussing on a far-off end result as this may feel unachievable and overwhelming. Plan small daily steps and acknowledge and reward yourself on completing every step," she says.

Finally, expect circumstances and plans to change - because they will. Give yourself permission to be flexible, revisit or amend your goals, and build some leeway into your plan for the likelihood of having a setback.

But is there a negative or damaging element in setting New Year's resolutions and not succeeding? "Yes, particularly with goals that relate to physical appearance," says Keers. "These types of goals may stem from an inner need to boost low self-esteem so it may be important to become aware of these deeper issues, such as how we feel about ourselves and how we see ourselves. Otherwise, rather than achieving the desired result of feeling better about ourselves we can end up feeling even worse if, on top of everything else, we feel we have failed."

Offering another interesting perspective is psychotherapist Margaret Spellman. "We think we know ourselves but we don't," she says. "We do not know everything about the human psyche. Consciously we might want to change but unconsciously we don't and so we hold ourselves back."
Spellman believes that if, for example, your New Year's resolution is to lose weight and you fail to achieve this, then it might be something unconsciously you don't want at all. Deep inside you actually want to remain overweight.

"Weight is just one example but your unconscious might want a lot of weight on you for protection, in order to feel secure or because it wants you to remain invisible, or some reason like that," she explains.

If that's the case, how do you overcome obstacles you not even aware of? The answer is not about overcoming but about the fact of trying, says Ms Spellman. The setting of goals and trying to achieve them is a very human part of what we do and is quite separate from succeeding.
It is also about being patient with ourselves. Usually the unconscious is waiting until the time is right, for a time that suits it better. "We have to remember Freud's idea that the things we don't resolve we are condemned to repeat, such as unconscious conflicts," she says. "We have to be aware of this when we set out to make changes in our lives and we must not be too hard on ourselves if we don't succeed."

According to Spellman, the setting of goals without totally succeeding is normal. It is not human to be perfect. And she says it is not the failing to achieve that is most damaging but rather it is the harsh voice of self-criticism that accompanies our perceived failures that needs to change.
For her, the urge to make resolutions is the urge to change our lives and so introduce more control over our destinies. But, she argues, the uncertainty involved in being unable to change can also be positive. "Uncertainty in and of itself is something that usually leads us to a creative resolution. If it's overeating or a lazy lifestyle, it might be serving some unseen purpose out of which some good might eventually come."

Whatever way you look at it, the making of resolutions at this time of year is a practice as old as the hills. And the experts confirm something we've heard so often in other fields of human endeavour: it's not the winning that counts, but the taking part.

Achieving your goals

* Psychotherapist Catherine Keer's six-step approach:

1. Plan ahead, make sure the time is right, that you are ready to make this change at this point, and that you have all the support you need. For example, if it is a weight-loss programme, make sure you feel emotionally ready to make the change.
2. Look at your New Year plan as part of a process of ongoing self-improvement. See it as a starting point.
3. Beware of getting negative - it will end up making you feel deprived and unhappy. Build your resolutions and goals around positive things.
4. Avoid focusing on a far-off end result as this may feel unachievable and overwhelming. Plan small daily steps and reward yourself at every step.
5. Expect circumstances and plans to change. Give yourself permission to be flexible and amend your goals as you and your circumstances change. Allow yourself to drop a goal if it stops having meaning.
6. If you have a setback, acknowledge your disappointment, then forgive yourself. Try to understand what went wrong rather than judging yourself too harshly. It may be that you need to reset your goals or you may need more support.