Turning our gaze outwards

The Irish Times - Tuesday, December 29, 2009

CHARLIE TAYLOR


Your Lifestyle: As we grow older our desires change and we enter what is known as the Third Age

AS WE grow older, many of us find ourselves in situations where we have achieved some, if not all, of our ambitions.

While we may have accepted defeat in a number of instances or changed our focus so that what were once important goals no longer interest us, there comes a point where we have attained much of what we initially strived for.

While setting new goals is something that is very much part of human nature, according to a number of renowned thinkers including Carl Jung and Abraham Maslow, as we grow older our desires change to the degree that we are no longer quite so absorbed in seeking material comfort or in achieving goals that benefit only us. Instead we turn our gaze outwards in order to bring about accomplishments that will benefit all of society.

Sometimes referred to as the Third Age, this era can be a time of new opportunities but one which may also be marked as a difficult period of adjustment as individuals begin to say goodbye to one way of living and hello to another.

According to psychologist and life coach Catherine Keers, from the age of 50 onwards, people often start preparing themselves for retirement but many still have fire in their bellies and an urge to achieve more.

She believes that most people have high expectations at this time of life as they often feel as though they have earned the time to focus on doing things they might have deprived themselves of previously due to family commitments and career.

“Often for the first time people start to really feel free from the expectations of others and ready to be more authentic and live in a way that truly has meaning for them,” she says. “People at this age want to focus on what really matters and what gives meaning and true happiness and, therefore, they become increasingly mindful of how precious time is and careful about how they want to use what they have left of it.”

According to Keers, the so-called Third Age brings as many challenges as it does prospects, particularly for those who have attained the sort of success that many of us can only dream of.

She says some individuals may experience an identity crisis when stepping down from careers which have absorbed them greatly, particularly if they have sacrificed the opportunity to develop other aspects of themselves or deepen their relationships with family and friends in order to be successful.

While such difficulties may lead some into therapy in order to resolve the issues that present themselves at this particular time in life, others find other methods by which to address such challenges.

Brian Ward, a former HR and executive search consultant with Merc Partners and KPMG, and the chairman of the Coolmine Therapeutic Community, is trying to help those who are at a loss and seeking guidance.

Ward, together with his business partner Joe Banks, a former director of personnel at Pfizer and Gateway, has set up TA Futures to work directly with those who have achieved success in business but for whatever reason have now stepped down from their positions.

“In my own experience in my former roles, it was not uncommon to have senior executives coming to meet me at the end of say a term as chief executive or managing director and inquiring ‘what’s next?’,” he says.

“Often the completion of a particular role or project or piece of work or, indeed a redundancy situation or a severance offer, provides a time for reflection for individuals during which various issues begin to surface. These need to be addressed, such as happiness, respect, contribution, health and control of the next stage of life.”

While Ward concedes that there is some element of life coaching involved in the programme, he’s adamant it differs due to its focus on ageing.

“Often, in our experience, people who have led busy lives as executives do very little planning for the Third Age; some therefore cope quite badly when there is no longer support from their company and former corporate colleagues. We also come across people who have ‘unretired’ – individuals who have discovered that golf may be an enjoyable and social pastime but that it should not occupy most of their time,” he adds.

The TA Futures programme is offered to individuals who meet on a one-to-one basis with a consultant for a series of two- to three-hour sessions. During the meetings, a series of exercises are carried out which enable the participants to see what aspects of their lives they would like to change and how they might go about it.

The cost of the programme is generally €1,500-€2,500 and, according to Ward, it has had a positive reaction from HR directors who see it as being potentially beneficial for people in the later part of their careers who may be deciding to leave an organisation.

According to Ward, few of those who seek his help are motivated by money but are concerned with focusing on finding meaning and making an active contribution to society. “The Third Age provides a context for self-fulfilment, freedom and purposeful engagement – which is largely new in human history,” he says.

All About Him

(Appeared in Image magazine, June 2008)

Loving yourself is the key to a healthy relationship. But what happens if your man loves himself and no one else (including you)? JESSICA DUFF investigates narcissism.

We've all been there: boyfriends who wouldn't (or couldn't) commit; dates who spent the entire evening talking about themselves; men who flitted in and out of our lives, not caring about what we might need or want. "He's such a narcissist!" we declare, to explain the shoddy treatment doled out to us by yet another "selfish bastard". Ah, the narcissist. How many times have we heard that words used to describe a man who was self-absorbed, self-centered and self-interested?

Nowadays, it's such a ubiquitous term that we forget its true meaning: that what it is actually describing is, at best, very negative and, at worse, a dangerous personality disorder which can damage all those who come into contact with it. So what exactly is narcissism?

Most of us are familiar with the Greek myth of the beautiful teenager Narcisus, who fell in love with his reflection in a pool, and couldn't understand why he wasn't able to touch the object of his affections; unable to tear himself away from the pool he pined to death. And so from this (slightly distorted) interpretation of the ancient myth, comes the term we use to portray someone - usually male - who is egotistical, who "fancies himself rotten" and who puts his own love of himself before anything else. But real narcissism - the psychological phenomenon - is far more complex and dangerous than just having a big ego or thinking you're the bee's knees.

According to health journalist Simon Crompton, author of All About Me: Loving a Narcissist, narcissistic traits include a lack of empathy for others, a heightened sense of self-importance, haughty or arrogant behaviour, and an expectation of admiration. Narcissists tend to be unable to accept that they're ever at fault, and will often greatly exaggerate their own achievements, even lie about past deeds. They are generally unable to give love and show anger when they don't get their own way. For narcissists, it really is all about them; there's little room for compromise, and never any give and take.

Catherine Keers is a Dublin-based counsellor and psychotherapist. She explains the dangers of a relationship with a narcissist: "Narcissus was not in love with himself - he was in love with his reflection. Thus, for a narcissist, his sense of self and self love only come from what is reflected back to him from the world. He therefore needs endless amounts of love, admiration and attention. This, of course, is going to cause major problems in a relationship because in a monogamous relationship there is a limited supply of attention and love; for narcissists, this is just not enough. Such is their need and craving for love and admiration - even adulation - that in fact nothing will ever be enough; the need is a bottomless pit that can never be filled."

So back to the selfish man who has you crying into your glass of chardonnay (again). How can you tell if he's just being inconsiderate and in need of some gentle guidance (or a firm ultimatum) or if you've landed yourself a full-blown narcissist? You can't - certainly not to begin with. That's because we're all narcissists to some extent. However, according to Simon Crompton, "most of us appreciate that to exist as functioning adults in society we have to compromise and be sensitive to others, and so manage to downplay those traits".

In some of us, though, narcissistic traits are so dominant that they are all emcompassing. Having a relationship with such a person can leave you with no self-esteem and no sense of perspective. As Crompton puts it, "having a relationship with a narcissist is a roller-coaster where the lows can drag all sense of self-worth out of the partner."

This is a statement which 36-year old Bridget* can identify with. She met Justin* in her first year at college, and the pair were a couple for almost ten years. "Right from the start, I knew that people were wondering what I was doing with him - I was outgoing, had lots of friends, and loved the freedom and social life of college; he was a bit of a loner, incredibly arrogant, and seemed to enjoy making people feel uncomfortable. But I fell completely and utterly in love with him, and what everybody else thought meant nothing - as far as I was concerned, they just didn't know the real him. I loved the fact that he kept me on my toes - no other guy had ever done that with the result that I'd get bored with them easily." Justin and Bridget spent their time in college completely in each other's pockets. "As far as I was concerned, we were two parts of a whole. It didn't bother me that I was more or less the only person he ever saw or spent time with - that was just further proof that we were soul mates. "

But there was a darker side to Justin that Bridget had to manage. "He used to dwell a lot on the fact that he was manic depressive, and that sometimes he'd feel like he wanted to end everything. It's only recently that I've realised that these episodes would come about whenever I was due to do something major without him. The first year we started going out, I had already arranged to spend the summer working in the States with friends. The night before I left, he told me that he couldn't face the months without me, and wasn't sure if he'd ‘make it’, as he put it. I went anyway, and he wrote letters to me every single day. Finally, his letters were getting more and more morose, all about how he couldn't face the bleak months ahead without me. I became so convinced that I was doing the wrong thing that halfway through the summer, I cut short my plans and came home. Less than a week after I got back, he went off inter-railing with his cousin for a month, leaving me banging around Dublin on my own, while all my friends were still away, having a great time."

After college, Bridget and Justin moved in together, eventually buying a flat jointly. "Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I honestly believed we had the perfect relationship. I ignored the obvious problems - for instance, he was always horrible about all my friends, and never made any effort to hide his feelings from them. Our sex-life was non-existent; anytime I tried to instigate something, he would reject me completely. At the same time, he was always going on about all the women he'd had before he met me, and how he had ‘unfinished business’ with some of them. I later found out - from one of his 'exes' in fact - that none of this was true.

"Throughout our relationship, I felt inexperienced and constantly judged, which made me want to please him more. I realised with horror a couple of years ago that in the entire time we were together, he had given me one genuine compliment. Usually any remarks about my appearance would be backhanded, along the lines of ‘those boots don’t make your legs look so fat’. At the time, I was delighted that our relationship was so honest and that he could tell me my faults.” Interestingly, it was Justin, not Bridget, who ended the relationship, claiming that he needed some space to work out what he wanted (which transpired to be another woman – who he, in turn, left a month later). “I often wonder where I’d be now if he hadn’t broken us up. It horrifies me that I could still be with him, “Bridget says.

To those of us on the outside, it’s almost impossible to understand how an otherwise intelligent person would allow herself to get drawn into such an unhealthy relationship, and then stay in it for so long. For all their faults, however, narcissists are quite often charming, and know how to flatter. Julia Sokol is a relationship counsellor, and co-author of Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist. “Narcissists tend to tell you that they’re wonderful and terrific and adorable,” she explains. “They tend to know how to sweep people off their feet. They are incredibly seductive. They know what you like to hear.” But surely once the initial allure has worn off, any one with half an ounce of common sense will see the light and run? This isn’t necessarily so. According to Sokol, “the classic narcissistic character has this ‘look-at-me’ quality, but also this ‘oh, poor me, I really need help’. They draw you in with the sadness and the emptiness, and you feel that somehow you can fill the void.” He works to reel you in, assure himself of your commitment (i.e., your attention and adulation) and then shuts down or moves on to the next conquest. As Catherine Keers puts it: “The narcissist uses others to feel that he exists; it’s through their eyes and through their reactions that he obtains proof of his uniqueness and grandeur.”

Maria* had the misfortune to be swept up by Killian*, a successful entrepreneur with his own IT business. “I guess I was feeling vulnerable; I had been seeing someone for a while who had suddenly broken up with me for no apparent reason. So when this handsome, accomplished man threw himself at me, I was happy to be swept away by it all.” Like many narcissists, Killian used grand gestures to woo. “For our third date he whisked me off to a beautiful hotel just outside Paris for the weekend. When we got there, there was champagne chilling by a roaring fire, and rose petals on the four-poster bed. It was cheesy, but every girl’s romantic fantasy.”

Maria and Killian had known each other for less than two weeks. “Over the weekend we had these incredibly intense conversations, where I opened up to him about my recently broken heart; he, in turn, cried and told me how hurt he had been by women in the past. By the end of the weekend, he told me that he was falling in love with me, and even though he knew that he was rushing things, he couldn’t help himself. He said he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me. If he’d asked me to, I would have stayed there with him forever. “As it was, Maria floated back to real life on Monday … and never heard from Killian again.

“In my head, I know I’ve had a lucky escape. But even though we hardly spent any time together, it’s taking me a long time to get over him. I think I will always feel stupid for having fallen for his lies, “she says. According to Simon Crompton, people like Maria shouldn’t blame themselves. “It’s partly the nature of romance that we are drawn to people whose vulnerabilities dovetail with our own. We are attracted to people who need us as well as want us. And narcissists are some of the neediest people around.”

So what can you do if this is sounding horribly familiar? Can such a relationship ever become more balanced and normal? There are numerous websites created by, and for, the partners and victims of narcissists and most advocate tough self love and advise running for the hills. Simon Crompton agrees, saying it’s virtually impossible to have a mature, meaningful relationship with someone with dominant narcissistic traits and tendencies.

However, there is hope if you’re in a relationship with a man with mild narcissistic traits. Simon Crompton advocates communication and openness as the main step in confronting and dealing with the problem. “If you really want to try to move things forward, to try to improve things between you, you’re going to have to confront your partner with their behaviour.”

It’s also worth thinking about turning to a professional for help. Couples counselling can be a good place to start – assuming, of course, that your partner agrees to partake. Beyond counselling, one-on-one therapy can benefit both you and your partner. According to Catherine Keers, the partner of a narcissist “will often have their own issues around self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness of love and loyalty and of a healthy, loving relationship”, through which it is important to work. For these partners, she states that it is also very important that they “acknowledge that they have been dreadfully hurt and that they deserve more than this. They also need to acknowledge that their trust has been severely abused. They need to allow themselves to grieve the loss and to nurture themselves through this process and get as much support as possible in order to be able to move on and find someone worthy of their love.“ For the narcissist, meanwhile, “the alliance with the therapist can also help [him] to relate better to others and learn to form meaningful bonds.”

So the next time a man tells you that it’s over, but assures you that it’s not you it’s him – take some comfort from the fact that maybe, unbeknown to himself, he’s actually being completely honest with you for the first time…

*Name has been changed.

Who to turn to
CATHERINE KEERS, counsellor and psychotherapist, MIACP, MIAHP, 01 284 3297; http://www.catherinekeers.com/ ALL ABOUT ME: LOVING A NARCISSIST by Simon Crompton (Collins, €11.40) HELP! I’M IN LOVE WITH A NARCISSIST by Julia Sokol and Steven Carter (Evans and Co. €21.55) FOR ONLINE HELP log onto http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/index.php; http://www.narcissistabuse.com/; http://www.healthyplace.com/

Comfort eating

Linda Higgens' "Life Lesssions" column, Evening Herald, 26 February 2008

Dilemma

“Please help me. I started the year with a vow that I’d lose weight and get fit this year. And of course it hasn’t happened. I need to shift at least two stone to be a healthy weight for my height. My problem is that I comfort eat in the evenings. I eat a good breakfast and lunch, and always cook a healthy dinner for my husband and three children. But by 9pm, I find that I’m ravenous again and I end up reaching for the biscuit tin. Or the kids’ sweets. Toast, cheese, chocolate are the other things I can’t resist.

I always feel disgusted at myself after my late-night supper, but it’s like I can’t help it. At the end of a long day, watching TV and having a snack is my way of relaxing. Sometimes I get strict with myself and I’ll be good for a week and shed a few pounds. However, then there’ll be a social occasion or a particularly stressful day – or some excuse – that causes me to start comfort eating again.

How can I break this cycle? I’ve tried just about every diet going, but I’ve never managed to stick to anything for very long. I want to get fit too. I don’t have the time or money to join a gym. And being overweight makes me self-conscious about joining any exercise classes. How can I start to improve my diet and fitness levels?”

Expert
Catherine Keers (MIACP, MIAHIP) offers counselling and psychotherapy services at her Dun Laoghaire clinic. Contact Catherine on 01 284 3297 or www.catherinekeers.com.

I appreciate that you want to improve your diet and fitness levels and it’s important to seek help and support to do this, but as a psychotherapist I want to focus on what’s going on for you on an emotional level, what it is that makes you ‘comfort’ eat. Another name for this is ‘emotional eating’. People eat for all sorts of reasons other than feeling physically hungry. We often turn to food when we have feelings of stress, anxiety, loneliness or boredom to name just a few. When you think about it, we are taught to use food in this way from when we are young children, we receive food as treats for being good or for comfort when we hurt ourselves.

So the main question here is how do you feel? The key is to recognise that there is a very good chance that this is having an effect on your eating habits. Firstly, I suggest that when you feel the urge to reach for food, slow down, stop for a moment and rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how physically hungry you actually are (1, totally starving and 10 full up). Next take a few deep breaths and try to notice what you are feeling, you can probably sum it up in a word or two; for example, bored, sad, lonely, frustrated, then note this down in a journal. Once you’ve done this for a week you will have an idea of what feelings prompt you to eat.

Commonly people who comfort eat notice that they have a ‘hollow or empty’ feeling, in this case you could ask yourself, what’s missing, what do I need that I’m not getting? Tell yourself ‘I’m not hungry, I just want to eat because I’m feeling upset, lonely, bored’ or whatever it is you’re feeling. Remind yourself that if you eat, it will at the most be a temporary fix and that afterwards you will likely feel much worse because you will additionally feel guilty and beat yourself up for failing to keep to your diet. It won’t work to simply remove the food and use willpower to not eat, instead you need to replace it with something non-food to ‘fill the void’ and find other ways to deal with these feelings, for example if you notice it’s loneliness, then call a friend in the evenings for a chat, if it’s stress, then you need to find other ways to relieve your stress levels like meditation or yoga classes, if it’s boredom - find something other than food and TV and challenge your mind.

Many people find it easier to blame their physiology instead of doing the harder work of sorting out their emotions and taking care of those needs. Work on ways of filling your emotional needs instead of trying to ‘fill yourself up’ by filling your stomach.

I’m worried about my brother’s drinking

Linda Higgens' "Life Lesssions" column, Evening Herald, 22 January 2008

Dilemma

“I’m worried about my brother’s drinking. He stayed with us recently for a week and drank to excess every night.

I like a social drink myself, but I’m starting to worry that he is developing a problem with alcohol.

He spent the whole week coming up with all sorts of excuses to go the pub (to watch football), or reasons to break out the drink at home (if someone came to visit).

He’s a very sociable happy-go-lucky type of drunk, and there weren’t any rows or aggression. But I didn’t like my kids seeing their uncle in a couple of situations. He staggered in the door early one evening and was clearly pie-eyed. And he dropped a casserole dish another night on the kitchen floor – waking my youngest.

I did gently question him one morning, but he dismissed me straight away. He said that he was on a week’s holidays and that he needs the odd drink to de-stress from his busy job. He insisted that all his mates drink just as much as he does. I’m 10 years older, by the way. My husband thinks my brother is just a jack-the-lad who behaves like a lot of twenty-something men, but I’m worried that there’s more to it than that.

He’s gone back to Dublin now and I’ve since discovered three empty whiskey bottles in the bin, so it looks like he was drinking in secret too. Am I right to worry about him? And what can I do to help?”

Expert
Catherine Keers (MIACP, MIAHIP) offers counselling adn psychotherapy services at her Dun Laoghaire clinic. Contact Catherine on 01 284 3297 or www.catherinekeers.com.

Whether or not you are right to worry about him is irrelevant, you clearly are worried. Your brother is 10 years younger than you so I guess you may have a pattern of feeling responsible for him that goes way back to childhood. I wonder what support you have from others in the family, your mother, father, brothers or sisters and why you feel like this responsibility lies on your shoulders.

I agree that the secretiveness regarding the extent of his drinking is worrying, beyond that I can’t say whether or not your brother is an alcoholic. This can only be determined by your brother choosing to evaluate for himself if his drinking is having a negative impact on his life, work, relationships and health and to what extent. He can then decide what he wants to do about this, if anything. I understand that if you feel that it is affecting him badly it’s hard to stand back and do nothing but realistically the only thing that you can do is talk to him. When talking to him I suggest that you do so openly and honestly, coming purely from the point of view of how you are feeling i.e. how difficult his drinking is for you and how concerned you are rather than being critical and accusatory of him which will only make him defensive. You can also ask him if he feels it is affecting his life or having a negative impact on his health. A list of questions for individuals who think they may have a drinking problem can be found on the Alcoholics Anonymous website (http://www.blogger.com/www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie) if you feel it’s appropriate you could pass this on to him and it may give him something to think about and focus on. You can also suggest that he talks to someone and/or gets a health check with his GP, if you feel able to be there for him to support him then let him know this, but listen to yourself and only do as much as you feel able to in this regard.

Most of all do not take on the problem as if it was yours to fix as this won’t help either of you. In the meantime its important for you to turn your attention to yourself and acknowledge how difficult and upsetting this is for you and look for support from your family and friends, if you need to talk to people in similar situations, you could look up AL-ANON (http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/), have a look at the information on their website as they have been set up to support family members of alcoholics and help them to deal with the feelings around responsibility and helplessness that you are experiencing.

I'm so jealous of my perfect sister who has it all

Linda Higgens' "Life Lesssions" column, Evening Herald, 15 January 2008

Dilemma

“I am very jealous of my sister. I try not to be envious, but it’s very difficult.

I’m happily married to a lovely man. He works hard and is very easy-going (perhaps too much so). He’ll never be one of life’s high-flyers, but we’re content most of the time. Sometimes we have money worries, but we always muddle by. I work part-time. Life is busy and sometimes stressful. We have three children under eight.

I love my husband dearly, but I can’t help feel that my younger sister has made the better marriage. She has it all – a huge house, a handsome husband who is an entrepreneur, two adorable children, as well as a cleaner and a live-in nanny. Her husband has made a fortune through his work. He clearly worships my sister. She is totally spoilt: she has wardrobes of designer clothes, drives the newest available cars and always looks a million dollars. She’s very pretty and is always the life and soul of any social gathering.

I’m two years older and I feel like the ugly sister in comparison. My sister isn’t a mean person, but she’ll often make little throwaway comments about how I could do with a makeover or a new haircut or to lose a few pounds. And these barbs cut me to the core. It’s easy for her – she has plenty of money and free time on her hands. I go from working to looking after the kids to catching up on the housework. Is it any wonder I look – and feel - drab and rundown at times?

“I know I should just bite my tongue when she starts and rise above it, but it does hurt me. I should be grateful for what I do have. I am, most of the time. How can I get past these feelings of resentment towards my sibling?"

Expert
Catherine Keers (MIACP, MIAHIP) offers counselling adn psychotherapy services at her Dun Laoghaire clinic. Contact Catherine on 01 284 3297 or www.catherinekeers.com.

Firstly, I get a sense that you are really struggling with yourself and your feelings of jealousy and anger and I’d like to reassure you that all of us feel jealous at times and that this reflects more on how we feel about ourselves, our self-esteem and our self-value than anything else. The only way for you to be able to get past your feelings of resentment towards your sister is to explore how you feel about yourself and work on building up your own self-worth.

Secondly, it is likely that the dynamics at play in your relationship with your sister have been set up much earlier in life, in your childhood. I wonder what messages you picked up about yourself back then. How were you compared to your sister, what were you told about yourself, what support did you get from your parents and how was your self-esteem nurtured? You also say that her comments about you and your appearance are very hurtful to you and that you feel ugly in comparison. It seems like her critical comments trigger a strong reaction in you, perhaps reflecting and echoing feelings you already have about yourself, causing you to be even more self-critical and tear yourself to pieces. This of course is an extremely painful pattern for you. I think it would be helpful for you to explore this in order to gain more understanding on the dynamics at play in your relationship and perhaps find ways to cope better and become more resilient in your dealings with her. You may find Gael Lindenfield’s book ‘Self Esteem’ a helpful start.

Lastly I would like to focus on your life, your achievements and your values. You have a happy marriage and 3 children, its sounds like you are managing well but aren’t truly acknowledging this to yourself and valuing it. When looking from the outside into the relationships of others it can be easy to idealise what their lives may be like and this is not really helpful because we will never really know for sure. I think it would be more helpful to separate out and evaluate what your values are as opposed to your sisters. Ask yourself how important the material and more surface things such as the ‘huge house, designer clothes, handsome husband’ and so on are to you. You may have made choices in your life that are different to your sister; to have an active role in bringing up your children, hence you choose to work part-time and not have child-care, to marry the man you married, again presumably you had your own very valid reasons, you say that you love him dearly. You and your husband have worked towards a life that reflects your own ideals and values, on evaluating this you may feel that there are aspects of your life that you would like to work towards changing or you may decide that you are satisfied with things as they are.

Take ownership of what you have and what you want from life and question why it is necessary for your sister to try to impose her values on you or more importantly for you to compare yourself to her and then devalue yourself and what you have.

Wedded blues: Married life a shock for some couples

This article appeared in the Evening Herald, 12 February 2008

Media: Post Nuptial Depression warning for newlyweds

By Caroline Crawford

More and more Irish couples, who have spent months planning their dream day, are getting hit with post nuptial depression.

The "I Do Blues" are having a dramatic effect on newlyweds - who can't seem to shake off the low feelings in their first steps into married bliss.

One in 10 newly married couples are now feeling the effects of post nuptial depression, according to reseach.

The condition can continue for months, leaving sufferers feeling disillusioned, confused and even questioning if getting married was a mistake.

Anti-climax

According to an Irish consultant psychotherapist, the increasingly common condition can often be linked to the anti-climax couples face after their wedding day.

Catherine Keers, a consultant psychotherapist who has come across the phenomenon in the past, said that couples often get completely caught up in the wedding preparations.

"I think it can be linked to the pressure of the wedding," she said.

Ms Keers added that it can be hard for couples to "get down to reality" after their wedding and honeymoon.

And she stressed that couples should discuss in detail what it will mean to be married -long before the wedding.

"Ask yourself - have you discussed your and your partner's expectations of each other and the relationship, for instance, who will do what or play what role within a marriage?

"Knowing what to expect from your relationship after the weddingo should go some way towards avoiding feelings of disappointment and depression. Although sometimes it's simply the routine of daily life that get's you down," she said.

The consultant psychotherapist gave the example of one couple who had been together for years, with one partner working abroad and coming home on weekends.

"They go along fine, each very independent during the time they spent apart, enjoying romantic reunions at the weekends. After they got married they decided he would not work abroad any more and get a job closer to home. They then started facing a lot of new problems, because the reality of living together full-time came as a total shock.

Compromise

"This caused major problems for them and required them to figure out if they wanted to, and indeed were able to, compromise and re-establish their expectations of each other and of their roles within the marriage," she said.

While the blues can seem to go on forever, couples are being given some tips to help the through.

These include not letting money be an issue by adjusting to a budget while planning, so as not to feel so suffocated by bills. Plan nights out with friends and other social events for after your wedding and honeymoon. Consider having your honeymoon a few weeks after the wedding day, so the celebrations won't come and go all at the same time. Don't open all the presents in one go. Keep active and engage in new projects on your return.

I'm bored of being stuck at home all day with my baby

Linda Higgens' "Life Lesssions" column, Evening Herald, 19 February 2008

Dilemma

“I am a stay-at-home mother to a darling eight-month old son. My husband and I always agreed that I’d give up work for a few years in order to raise our children.

Before I fell pregnant, I worked as an administrator in an office. The pay wasn’t brilliant, but I enjoyed the work and got on very well with my colleagues.

I’m enjoying motherhood, but I find that I get very lonely during the weekdays. I have no family living nearby. I get on fine with my husband’s mother and sister, but only see them once a week. I’ve one other friend living locally, and she works full-time, so isn’t around to meet during the week.
My husband works hard and he’s out of the house for 12 hours a day from Monday to Friday. He’s so tired when he does come home that he’s often in bed by 9pm.

I tried joining a mothers and toddlers group, but it felt like they all knew each other already. I didn’t feel very welcome. I miss the social side of working. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Some days can be very mundane, especially if the weather is bad and we don’t venture out.

How can I go about broadening my social horizons? I feel like my days are passing in a blur of housework and baby. I haven’t talked about this with my husband yet – I feel bad for feeling unfulfilled when he’s working so hard to support the family.”

Expert
Catherine Keers (MIACP, MIAHIP) offers counselling adn psychotherapy services at her Dun Laoghaire clinic. Contact Catherine on 01 284 3297 or www.catherinekeers.com.

Not confiding in your husband about your feelings may also add to this sense of loneliness and isolation. I realise you made the decision to give up work to raise your children with your husband some time ago but it sounds like you are now struggling with it. As your son is only 8 months old, it’s important that you address your unhappiness, talk to your husband and work together with him to reassess the situation rather than allow yourself to sink further into the rut you feel you are already in.

The word that comes to mind is ‘balance’. You have gone from having a job and a social life to what seems like almost complete isolation during the week while your husband works long hours. You seem to have lost the balance you need in your day-to-day life. Start thinking about what support you need and ask for it. As long as you are unable to find a way to feel satisfied and good about yourself and look after your own emotional needs and wellbeing, it will be hard for you to have the resources to do this for your son. Not just in the short term but also in the long-term. You need to think about what the long term effect of your unhappiness will have on you and your family especially if this is something you plan to continue doing for the next few years. Will you become increasingly resentful of the situation? Will you feel increasingly trapped? Will you start to feel guilty about these feelings? How will this affect your mental and emotional wellbeing and that of you son and husband in the future? The happier you feel about yourself, the more you will all benefit as a family.

Perhaps being at home fulltime isn’t right for you? This is ok. If it isn’t right for you and makes you unhappy, then it isn’t right for your family either. Give yourself permission to also make yourself happy and to find the balance you need between caring for your son and feeling fulfilled yourself. You do have choices, take time to explore your options, don’t be afraid to ask for support. Perhaps it would be better for you to work part-time or even one day a week, or maybe it would be possible to get your husband, family or friend to give you a night to yourself each week to pursue something on your own.

Finally and also importantly, you haven’t gone into depth about how you are feeling deep down or mentioned if you have been feeling depressed. You mention you have tried going to a mother and toddler group but felt unwelcome. I wonder how deeply the feelings of isolation and perhaps alienation are running? I feel I should also raise the issue of post-natal depression. This usually develops in the first 4-6 weeks after childbirth. However, in some cases it may take several months to develop. Your GP will be able to determine whether you have the condition and, if you do, suggest an appropriate course of treatment. This may not be relevant to you but if you feel there is a possibility that it is, please do go and see your GP and talk to them about your feelings in depth.

This website may be helpful, it contains information for new mothers and also has a forum where you can connect with other mothers and discuss, problems, fears and anxieties and offer advice and support to each other; http://www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/youafterthebirth/pnd

How to keep those New Year's resolutions

This article appeared in the Irish Independent, 30 December 2004

How to keep those New Year's resolutions

You've finally decided to make some big changes in your life . . . but, says Kevin Murphy, don't be too hard on yourself

It's traditionally the time of year when we think about making personal changes. And our New Year's resolution is more than likely going to be one of the following: I will lose weight; get fit; change job; learn a language; give up smoking; spend less.

But the odds are that a month from now most of us will have given up on our promise completely. Does this sound familiar? The intention is there to make changes but for some unknown reason, or reasons, it just never happens and by the end of January we've admitted defeat.

Have you ever wondered what those reasons are? After all, we are normal, rational people. We set ourselves a goal and expect to achieve it. Yet, before you can say 'make that a large fries, please' we've somehow lost the plot, forgotten the plan, torn up the map and slid back into our old ways. It was as if we'd never made a resolution in the first place.

Catherine Keers is a psychotherapist and counsellor who runs a private clinic specialising in self-esteem and personal development. When it comes to the question of why so many of us fail in our new resolutions, she has three possible reasons: fear of change, too high expectations and weak motivation. Keers says that since New Year's resolutions entail change they can be difficult and frightening because it means changing the status quo and even losing something familiar.
"It is important to acknowledge this fear so that it doesn't cloud the possible advantages of the change and block us from making progress and personal improvement. For example, deciding to stop smoking would have obvious health benefits but, less obviously, it would mean the loss of a ritual, enjoyment or method of coping with stress."

Setting our expectations too high is another reason. It may be that the resolution or goal is overly ambitious. Keers warns against this and suggests lowering the bar if needs be. And she also suggests looking at our motivation. Ask yourself, why now? Why have I set this particular goal at this particular time? Is it pressure from society at New Year or has it meaning for me? Am I doing it for my own benefit or for someone else?

As a way of dealing with these pitfalls Catherine Keers suggests planning ahead to make sure the timing is right, that you are ready to make a change and that you have all the support you need. She also suggests looking at your resolution as part of a process of ongoing longer-term self-improvement. A New Year's resolution can realistically only ever be a starting point.
Also be careful, she says, of the negative cycle of setting yourself lists of 'shoulds' that will end up making you feel deprived and unhappy. Instead ask yourself, what makes me feel happy and fulfilled, am I living the life I want, what would enrich me and feel rewarding?

"Then ask yourself, what initial steps can I take to start on the road? Avoid focussing on a far-off end result as this may feel unachievable and overwhelming. Plan small daily steps and acknowledge and reward yourself on completing every step," she says.

Finally, expect circumstances and plans to change - because they will. Give yourself permission to be flexible, revisit or amend your goals, and build some leeway into your plan for the likelihood of having a setback.

But is there a negative or damaging element in setting New Year's resolutions and not succeeding? "Yes, particularly with goals that relate to physical appearance," says Keers. "These types of goals may stem from an inner need to boost low self-esteem so it may be important to become aware of these deeper issues, such as how we feel about ourselves and how we see ourselves. Otherwise, rather than achieving the desired result of feeling better about ourselves we can end up feeling even worse if, on top of everything else, we feel we have failed."

Offering another interesting perspective is psychotherapist Margaret Spellman. "We think we know ourselves but we don't," she says. "We do not know everything about the human psyche. Consciously we might want to change but unconsciously we don't and so we hold ourselves back."
Spellman believes that if, for example, your New Year's resolution is to lose weight and you fail to achieve this, then it might be something unconsciously you don't want at all. Deep inside you actually want to remain overweight.

"Weight is just one example but your unconscious might want a lot of weight on you for protection, in order to feel secure or because it wants you to remain invisible, or some reason like that," she explains.

If that's the case, how do you overcome obstacles you not even aware of? The answer is not about overcoming but about the fact of trying, says Ms Spellman. The setting of goals and trying to achieve them is a very human part of what we do and is quite separate from succeeding.
It is also about being patient with ourselves. Usually the unconscious is waiting until the time is right, for a time that suits it better. "We have to remember Freud's idea that the things we don't resolve we are condemned to repeat, such as unconscious conflicts," she says. "We have to be aware of this when we set out to make changes in our lives and we must not be too hard on ourselves if we don't succeed."

According to Spellman, the setting of goals without totally succeeding is normal. It is not human to be perfect. And she says it is not the failing to achieve that is most damaging but rather it is the harsh voice of self-criticism that accompanies our perceived failures that needs to change.
For her, the urge to make resolutions is the urge to change our lives and so introduce more control over our destinies. But, she argues, the uncertainty involved in being unable to change can also be positive. "Uncertainty in and of itself is something that usually leads us to a creative resolution. If it's overeating or a lazy lifestyle, it might be serving some unseen purpose out of which some good might eventually come."

Whatever way you look at it, the making of resolutions at this time of year is a practice as old as the hills. And the experts confirm something we've heard so often in other fields of human endeavour: it's not the winning that counts, but the taking part.

Achieving your goals

* Psychotherapist Catherine Keer's six-step approach:

1. Plan ahead, make sure the time is right, that you are ready to make this change at this point, and that you have all the support you need. For example, if it is a weight-loss programme, make sure you feel emotionally ready to make the change.
2. Look at your New Year plan as part of a process of ongoing self-improvement. See it as a starting point.
3. Beware of getting negative - it will end up making you feel deprived and unhappy. Build your resolutions and goals around positive things.
4. Avoid focusing on a far-off end result as this may feel unachievable and overwhelming. Plan small daily steps and reward yourself at every step.
5. Expect circumstances and plans to change. Give yourself permission to be flexible and amend your goals as you and your circumstances change. Allow yourself to drop a goal if it stops having meaning.
6. If you have a setback, acknowledge your disappointment, then forgive yourself. Try to understand what went wrong rather than judging yourself too harshly. It may be that you need to reset your goals or you may need more support.

It's life but not as we knew it

This article appeard in the Irish Independent, 14 August 2003

It's life, but not as we knew it

Longer life expectancy and sociological change mean it's unlikely we will follow in our parents' footsteps. MARIANNE HERON looks at the new life landmarks

Those 21st birthday celebrations and that retirement watch at 65 have become redundant. The map of life has shifted and the predictable path followed by grandparents and parents is no more. The goalposts of adulthood have been shifted as children mature earlier and seniors stay younger and live longer. In between, the landmark events of adult life - first job, marriage, parenthood and retirement - have moved too. Time spent in education and at home has become longer, marriage and parenthood have been delayed until the 30s and are preceded by serial relationships and co-habitation.

It is possible to be rich and famous well before customary middle-age thanks to fast-track careers - just look at Posh and Becks, J. K. Rowling and our own Nicky Byrne and Georgina Ahern.

Some of the biggest changes are in later life. Not only has life expectation increased - just look at the recently deceased Bob Hope and Katharine Hepburn who both lived into their 10th decade - but people remain younger for longer, 60 is now like 50 or even 40 used to be. And there are plenty of evergreen icons like Joan Collins, Cliff Richard and Mick Jagger - all in or around their 60s.

Retirement has become a moveable feast as some retire earlier to make the most of creative time and others remain productively in harness. Twenty somethings, unburdened by responsibility, may travel the world but these days 60-somethings, healthier, wealthier and with fewer children, are just as likely to decide to circle the globe too or buy a property in the sun.
In a sense we have all become trailblazers, encountering exciting new paths unmapped by previous generations. The downside, though, is that we no longer have a yardstick to guide us.
The blueprint or 'schema' for a life plan, which each of us carries, is shaped by childhood experience. Given that the blueprint is influenced by our parents' lives it can be quite out of sync with the reality of our own life patterns in a fast changing world. "We have no blueprint," affirms psychotherapist Catherine Keers, "It was a lot easier for our grandparents in some ways, there were fewer choices and a more set path." Given lives that are different from their parents' 20 and 30-somethings look outside the family for direction. "They see a lot of ideas about what they are supposed to be, they see the whole celebrity culture and sometimes they are setting themselves up for failure by striving for a perfection that doesn't exist."

Catherine identifies the 20s as a decade where people are looking for direction, setting ideals and goals and are unsure how realistic these may be. By their 30s some of the clients Catherine sees may be experiencing a life crisis a whole decade earlier than mid-life crisis experienced by previous generations. "Reality bites, they may have chosen a career or made a commitment. They begin to question their choices and they don't know how to change, or find happiness. My sense is that there is a lot of striving and questioning."

As young trailblazers set out in life and break away from their parents' life patterns they no longer have a yardstick against which to measure their achievement. "They have to be able to validate themselves and that is a very difficult thing to do," says Catherine. "If something goes wrong people tend to blame themselves. Life now is much more uncertain because it is no longer mapped out into definite steps and stages."

When unable to validate themselves individuals may become very concerned with how they appear to others and may seek to establish an identity through where they live, what clothes they wear or what kind of car they drive rather than what they actually are Catherine points out. "Naturally we look for approval in order to have a sense of self and if people take a different path from their parents they need to be very strong."

Each phase of life requires adjustment and change in the challenges thrown up by the passage from one stage to the next. When we don't make the expected transition, say from college to successful career, or when marker events like marriage don't materialise then we may have difficulties in adjusting. And these days we can no longer refer to the experience of previous generations for guidance because life cycles have altered.

"Life patterns are different for different people, everyone has a schema for what life holds which is laid down in early childhood," explains psychologist Dr Ann Staunton. "Some people are more flexible than others and it is the people who are rigid and have difficulty adapting if things turn out differently who are most likely to run into trouble."

A crisis can be triggered at any stage through life when the life plan doesn't turn out as expected. Not only bereavement but failure to marry by a certain age, marriage break-up or redundancy can all be experienced as loss. "If something you expect doesn't happen less flexible people may become depressed, they may feel a sense of failure and inadequacy and loss of self esteem."
Some people seem to sail through life regardless of difficulties while others view unexpected events as disasters, Personality and schema both come into play in the way people react to life. Personality can be seen as a landscape which dictates the path taken by the rolling ball of life experience.

What that landscape contains in an Irish context has altered rapidly especially in the last generation. Dr Helen Russell, Sociologist with the ESRI, pinpoints some of the main changes which have taken place: "The patterns are very different between now and 20 years ago. Fifty percent of women with children are now in the labour force, there is the impact of smaller family size, the age at which women become pregnant is now several years later so there is an extra period before transition to parenthood." The pattern of family formation has also changed as more children are born outside marriage (although within stable relationships) there are more lone parents both through single parenthood and separation or divorce.

"One of the biggest changes has been women doing part-time work, particularly single women, and couples don't necessarily retire together anymore," says Pat Murphy MD of the Retirement and Life Planning Service. He has also noted a higher incidence of divorce where couples have difficulties with the time management and relationship adjustments necessary for retirement.
"There is a greater tendency for people to stay on in work longer," says Murphy. (In Norway there are now organisations to encourage older workers to stay on in a situation where the country may have to become dependant on migrant workers due to greying of the population.)
"But people should be able to make their own choices about whether to be productive or constructive for themselves."

Stages in the new life map:

• ADULTESENCE 10-18 years: Teens are materially better off but they have less supervision as their parents have to work and they are more likely to come from a single parent family due to social factors. There is greater pressure at school due to the scramble for third-level places. Although they will reach earlier physical maturity it takes them longer to become fully fledged adults and there is a lot of pressure to get involved in sex, drugs and drink.
• PROVISIONAL ADULTHOOD 18-30: This group will defer their independence, choosing instead to stay on in education and live in the family home. This leads to a prolonged period without major responsibilities. Their career paths are more complex with both sexes being career driven and this gives them the money and freedom to enjoy life. There's a major transition from learning to earning and from dependence to independence. This group are likely to have casual sexual encounters or serial relationships and will probably live with a partner at some point.
• AGE OF REALITY 30-40. There is alot of pressure to succeed professionally and personally. Many people will feel the need to get on the property ladder. This is the most likely time for people to become parents but near the end of this period some people may experience career burnout and make radical changes to their lives.
• PLATEAU 40-55 By this stage people have established themselves in career and relationships and anyone who had previously separated is likely to embark on a second marriage around now. As HRT has eliminated the problem of menopause women who were previously homemakers may embark on new careers or re-training. It is necessary to plan for the third age at this stage.
• THIRD AGE 55-85 This generation look and act younger than anyone this age before them. They may travel or return to study and they have the time to indulge in their hobbies. Anyone who hasn't planned ahead may discover they have pension problems and are forced to remain at work. Couples who retire could find themselves at risk of divorce if they don't plan for it properly. Many people will only have their first grandchild in this period as their children defer parenthood.
  

Marianne Heron

Sex and the entrepreneur

This article appeared in the Irish Entrepreneur - 2005

Sex and the entrepreneur

LONGER WORK HOURS AND STRESS IS COMPELLING AN INCREASING NUMBER OF PEOPLE TO NEGLECT THEIR SEX LIVES. TIME TO GET THINGS BACK IN ORDER!

What the hell is going on? Are we working so much that we cannot come back home and have a good, happy romp? Work has already disfigured our spinal cords, played havoc with our nerves and made us lose appetite. Now it’s posing a threat to our sex lives.

Sex is good. In fact, sex it great. Apart from being good for physical and mental health, it is a necessary part of all relationships to enhance security and establish feelings of trust. So why must sex take the plunge?

It has been reported that higher management tends to be more stressed and therefore has a reduced libido. Italian researcher, Ciro Basile Fasolo of the University of Pisa found that, “Lack of sexual desired is directly linked to the stress factor, reaching its peak in professionals, the self-employed or the firm manager.“ He goes on to say that one-in-three self-employed men or managers suffer from a lack of sexual desire and 64% have problems getting and effective erection.

People’s lives are rarely compartmentalised with separate professional and home lives and as a result, individuals often experience stress at work that is intertwined with stress and conflict at home. In short, personal problems impact on work performance and work issues impact on personal lives. Catherine Keers, a psychotherapist and counsellor based in Dublin says, “Apart from the physical repercussions of stress, a prolonged shortage of time and energy is very likely to undermine other aspects of our lives, including relationships with partners and sex lives. When we are exhausted and stressed, sleep can become a priority over sex. If we are not working on our relationships and spending time relating and communicating to partners, we can start to feel less close and intimate, and sex is then also affected.”

Working hours also impact on a person’s sex drive. The National Framework Committee report includes a national survey of employers and results show that a ‘long hours culture’ does exist in Ireland, with 86% of senior managers, 61% of junior managers, 39% of other non-manual workers and 30% of manual workers reporting that working longer than standard was common for them. Dr Gillian Moore-Groarke, a consultant psychologist in Cork adds, “It is fair to say that both men and women who work long hours have a reduced libido. Generally people who work long hours find it harder to relax and are more inclined to drink more, thus impairing sexual performance.”

Individuals greatly vary in their capacity to ensure stressful situations. This is because a situation that one person may find stressful may not bother another person. Explains Keers, “The experience of stress is highly individual and has a lot to do with coping mechanisms we learnt in our early lives. The main sources of stress in the workplace have been found to be lack of control over work, the work place and employment status. Employers who are unable to exert control over their lives at work are more likely to experience work stress and are therefore more likely to have impaired health. Many studies have found that heavy job demand, and low control can lead to stress. It has been seen in some studies that job-related stress may be a particular problem to those doing ‘people’ related work.”

It is also suggested that women are more affected than men when it comes to coping with the balance of work and sex. Dr Moore-Groarke suggests that women over their mid 30’s tend to be more affected, particularly those who are juggling professional careers with parenthood. “Professional women work harder to keep up with their male colleagues and often exhaust personal resources or pleasures in lieu of work. Women are also more defensive. A relationship with a professional woman demands a true understanding from her partner of the pressures of professional life otherwise her male partner will end up resenting her,” Moore-Groarke claims.

So, what can we do? In his book, ‘The heart of success: Making it in business without losing in life’, Rob Parsons offers seven guidelines for success in business and life: Don’t settle for being money rich and time poor, believe that the job you do makes a difference, play to your strengths, believe in the power of dreams, put your family before your career, keep the common touch, don’t settle for success; strive for significance.

As employers it is important to respect and encourage employees’ rights to a fulfilled life inside and outside of work, and to recognise this as being beneficial to both the employee and the organization. Dr Keers advises that it is important to recognise our choices and to explore how we can exercise control over balancing work and personal lives. “We need to give ourselves permission to prioritise our personal lives, relationships and leisure activities,” she advises.

Stress management should now be a part of every management education. Sexual intimacy should not be seen as a functional means of relaxation, but rather as an important part of developing a relationship. Dr Moore-Groarke recommends, “Make a date with your partner regularly and communicate with him or her every day. Choose spontaneity from time to time.”
If you don’t know what to get your partner for Valentine’s Day here’s an idea. Go to the adult store. And spend lavishly. You know you want to.

Beating the "I do" blues - post nuptial depresion

Article from Irish Wedding & New Home, Winter 2005/6

Beating the I do blues

Your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life so why do many brides feel so down afterwards? Sara Ryan looks at how post nuptial depression can affect you, and how you can beat it.

The thank you cards have been sent, you've looked through the album and you've watched your wedding video ten times. Everyone says yours was the best wedding they'd ever been to, but still, something's missing. Instead of feeling like a blissfully happy newlywed, you're so down that your new husband is started to get very concerned and it's affecting your relationship. You may be suffering from post-nuptial depression.

Post-nuptial depression (PND) is one of the most common problems faced by newlyweds. In the UK, an estimated one in ten couples is affected by it, and its consequences range from isolation to arguments and in some cases, even separation. In its mildest form, PND can occur simply because the excitement has died down. "No matter how much you enjoy your wedding day it's difficult for it to live up to the excitement and preparation," says Suzanne, 31, who married Cian last summer. "I enjoyed the planning to a certain extent but my family were stressing out so much that it had a negative effect on me, and I began to worry - I wanted everything to be perfect for them." While her wedding day went off without a hitch, Suzanne was also aware that it was passing her by very quickly. "All my married friends had advised me to enjoy every minute of it be cause it flies by," she says. "But even though they'd warned me in advance, I couldn't believe how quickly it really did go. By the end of the evening, you want to stay up until the bitter end because you know that once you go to bed, it's all going to be over - that was a real reality check for me. It never really occurred to me just how short the day was going to feel."

The shortness of the wedding day is completely at odds with the length of the planning process and the anticipation that comes not just from the couple, but also from friends and family. It's often this discrepancy that can lead to a feeling of anticlimax for the couple, and this can lead to depression. " You come back to work, and everyone asks you how it went and makes a big fuss, wanting to see pictures and all the rest of it," says Suzanne. "But once that's done, you sit back at your desk and you've loads of emails and messages and everything is just completely back to normal." And normal takes some getting used to when you've spent the last year being the focus of everyone's attention and excitement. "There was a girl in my office who was getting married three weeks after I did," says Suzanne. So when I came back to work, she was on the high that I had been on three weeks earlier. She was getting all the attention and excitement at work, and rightly so, but it was kind of hard for me to deal with." Feeling jealous of other brides-to-be is common, but most women won't own up to it, and keep it bottled up instead, which contributes to feelings of depression and isolation. "You do get used to being the centre of attention all the time and having everyone making a fuss of you, " says Suzanne. "I felt bad that I was down, and I didn't really want to tell people because I didn't want them to think I was moaning after such a great wedding and all the support and help everyone gave me."

Sometimes the feelings of depression are indicative of a deeper problem. Most couples live together for quite a while before they get married, so there is a tendency to think that nothing will change in their relationship after the big day. But, says couples counsellor Lisa O'Hara, this is not the case. "Getting married needs to be seen as a life changing event," she says. "Not matter how long you've been living together, the act of being married brings with it a feeling of permanence and belonging. For some though, it may also uncover the fear of responsibility or a feeling of being trapped. As most of us know who have been involved in wedding day preparations, the period leading up to the wedding day can be busy and exciting and we may give little or no thought to how we might feel when life returns to normal.

Catherine Keers, a consultant psychotherapist working in private practice in Dublin, agrees. " I think that when a newly married bride becomes depressed, there are often deeper issues being triggered," she says. "Lots of elements can play a part - past experiences of relationships, your parents' marriage and your childhood relationship with your parents." Keers says that all these things link in to your expectations of marriage, and your reasons for getting married at all.

According to Keers, it's important that you and your husband-to-be discuss in detail what it will mean to be married - long before the wedding. "Ask yourself - have you discussed your and your partner's expectations of each other and the relationship, for instance who will do what or play what role within a marriage? One example comes to mind from my practice of a couple who had lived together for years with one partner working abroad and coming home on weekends. They got along fine, each very independent during the time they spent apart, enjoying romantic reunions at the weekends. After they got married they decided he would not work abroad any more and get a job closer to home. they then started facing a lot of new problems, because the reality of living together full-time came as a total shock to both of them. This caused major problems for them and required them to figure out if they wanted to and indeed were able to compromise and re-establish their expectations of each other and of their roles within the marriage. "Knowing what to expect from your relationship after the wedding should go some way towards avoiding feelings of disappointment and depression. Although sometimes it's simply the routine of daily life that gets you down.

In terms of life changing events, the time just after the wedding may be the first time the couple are faced with 'ordinary life' together says O'Hara. "The excitement of moving in together, organising their home and arranging their wedding has passed and there can be a feeling of post-wedding blues or a sense of 'is that it'?". If this is the case, then it's important that rather than bottling it up, you discuss your feelings. "Research has shown that cracks can start o appear within the first two year of marriage and the couple's ability to both talk and listen may be extremely important at this time," continues O'Hara. The belief that marriage is going to transform your life or even your relationship is a dangerous one. There's no doubt that getting married will have an effect, but it's safe to say that if there are problems within the relationship before the wedding, getting married is more likely to draw these out than make them better
"Feeling down all the time put a lot of pressure on my marriage," says Suzanne. "Cian wondered if it was him, and because I didn't know what it was, I wondered that too. After talking it over with my friends though, I realized I was doing it to myself and I was the only one that could change it."

"I tried to be positive," she says. "Before the wedding, I had spent almost every weekend driving to Ennis to finalise plans, so afterwards I had load of spare time on my hands and I don't think that helped. I started filling my time with all the things I didn't have time for before, like seeing friends. Work was something else that I focused on before I got married, planning the wedding as always in the back of my mind, but I decided to refocus all my energies on my job and I got a lot of satisfaction from that and after a few weeks, the fog lifted and I started feeling good again. I just wish that I had expected to feel depressed after the wedding - from what I can see, almost every bride suffers from it but no one talks about it. I think I would have been able to deal with it much better if I'd know what it was."

The worker bees

This article appeared in the Irish Independent, Jobs & Careers section, 12 April 2007

The worker bees

For people whose jobs require them to work long hours, it can be difficult to avoid the associated stress and impact on their personal lives. But there are coping strategies. Lauren Mulhall reports.

The long-hours working culture in Ireland is being embraced by a growing number of employees hoping to fast-track their rise in the corporate world. However, the potential rewards of continuously putting in overtime often come at a high price – mental and physical breakdown.
John Cusack, group managing director of Ceridian in Ireland, says many Irish employees are working around the clock in the hope of making a good impression in the office and standing out among co-workers.

“There are a lot of employees, particularly those in the early stages of their career, who are willing to go that extra mile by working long hours to try to make an impact”, he says.

“The problem is, if you’re working continuously without taking a break, your productivity is going to suffer and mistakes are going to be made. Taking time off is vital if you want to stay tuned in.”

According to psychotherapist and counsellor Catherine Keers, the health risks associated with working long hours are mainly related to stress and anxiety and the fallout from these two factors.

“Some of the more serious long-term effects of prolonged exposure to stress are believed to be loss of confidence and self-esteem, depression, nervous breakdown, alcohol and drug abuse, relationship/family problems, heart disease, impaired sexual function and increased blood pressure.”

Keers says employees can detect the early signs of stress and address the problem before it gets out of hand. Early symptoms can include disturbed sleep, irritability and short-temperedness, difficulties with concentration and decision-making, increased cynicism and changes in appetite. Digestive problems, lack of energy, muscle tension/pain and restlessness or difficulties relaxing are also key signs of work-related stress.

Keers believes if an individual is feeling increasing pressure from working excessive hours, there are steps that can be taken to help handle that stress. “To manage stress it’s important to become self-aware and avoid judging yourself,” she says.

“Start by making a conscious effort to observe and manage your responses to stress. This can be done by consciously taking note of and not ignoring the way in which you react to stress, both physically and emotionally. Look out for the symptoms and think about what triggers that reaction in you.

“Next, evaluate the triggers and look at what can be done. Recognise what is in your power to change. Finally, if you feel you are having difficulties with work-related stress and are worried about the health implications, visit your general practitioner and discuss these openly.”